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Imperfection


We are so blessed. People think they’re blessed because their baby is “perfect” (a word I have come to despise). They think they’re blessed because their baby is “perfectly healthy”; they are so pleased that their worst nightmare- an “unhealthy” baby- hasn’t come to fruition that they don’t even realize that there are other reasons a baby is a blessing.

By a doctor’s definition, you are not “perfectly healthy,” but I realize that I am still incredibly blessed.

I’m not blessed by comfortable, normal, healthy perfectness- the thing that everyone thinks they want. (Neither is any other NICU mommy, just ask one- they will tell you what a blessing their baby is) Instead, I’m blessed by your imperfection, because it has been God’s greatest gift to me. No one with “healthy, perfect” babies may understand, but that’s okay (the NICU mommies will). 

Your imperfection has given me the purest opportunity to be and feel so much more than I ever thought I personally would. I’m not just your mother; I get to be your biggest advocate. Every day that is hard I am quickly reminded (by God, or your sweet face) that I was chosen to walk this road, I get to stand for you, to fight for you. I get to feel the drive deep down to do whatever it takes, because along with your imperfections, God has given me the will to fight for you as hard (or harder) than you have been fighting since day one. He will help me find inside myself somewhere what it takes to be whatever you need. I’m grateful for that. It means so much more to me than perfection.

I don’t just feel the regular, overwhelming motherly love for you, the kind most moms feel from the second their perfect baby is put on their chest. Instead, hours after you had been taken from me, when I finally got to see you, I watched your little chest pump up and down with the help of a suction tube in your throat while you laid in that plastic tub with health professionals all around you, and someone asked, “does anyone else have this” pointing to the birth mark on your forehead, I burst into tears and said “I do” and right then not only did I feel that overwhelming love mothers feel, I also felt an immense unconditional love, and an unbreakable bond because you were absolutely mine and I already knew what it felt like to almost lose you, something I don’t wish on anyone. In the following weeks as you fought for your life, our bond grew, and I fully realized I was chosen to give all my love to you and your dad, and you were chosen to move mountains with it. No matter how hard it gets, the three of us will always have each other. It’s different for us; We will always have outstanding unconditional love like no other because of all we have endured, because of the imperfections we have come face to face with. We will have a bond few will ever know. That is so much more than enough for me; so much more than “perfect” to me. I wouldn’t want you any other way. Your imperfection doesn’t make you less, in fact, it’s what makes you so special and us so blessed. 🌸

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