Kinsley Estelle June 🌸

I want to share a piece of writing that means more to me on this day than any other words have in my life:
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”  Ecclesiastes 11:5

I have no understanding, and there is no logic to what I feel, but if there is anything I am certain of, it is that she is ‘the work of God, the maker of all things.’


Welcome to the world, beautiful baby girl.

Kinsley Estelle June Hoebeke
06.25.17
7:37pm
6lbs 11oz
19.5 in long


 

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What you need will find you.

For some reason this morning I decided to take a little journey back in time using my Instagram feed. If you’re close to me you know how much I love taking pictures, and even if you’re not, you only have to be one of my followers to know what an Instagram whore I am. Contrary to belief, I don’t post these photos for anyone but myself.

A lot of people use Instagram to promote popular brands or mainstream labels, but for me Instagram is like a diary, a way to quickly blog something that’s just happened with a photo and caption so I can revisit that slice of my life at a later time.

Trust me, it works really well. I got a taste of just how well this morning.

I had just taken the dog outside, it was our second time out since 5 am, and I was really grumpy. I was tired. I was annoyed, ‘how does he have to poop again?!‘ I kept saying over and over again in my mind.

But we got outside, and we walked for a while, and when we got to this little field that we visit sometimes behind the association we live in, I just kept looking at all the tiny daisies and how nice they look in this field and I started feeling sort of strange.

I started feeling really grateful.

I was out there, letting this little dog drag me around through these weeds, but at least they were pretty weeds, and at least he’s a sweet, cute little guy, and at least I’m well enough to be out here in these weeds breathing this air and standing on this soft ground, looking out at these apartments I’ve come to really like the past six months.

A year ago I don’t know if I could say these things. I don’t know if I could look at all this with the positive perspective that I have now. One year ago I was a completely different person, an extremely unhappy person, pretending to have it together, and I was in a totally different, miserable place.

When we got back into the apartment I sat down and pulled up my Instagram feed just to see what exactly I was doing, to the day, a year ago. I found these two photos, among several others, that mark the early summertime period we’re in now, 365 days ago.

It’s hard for me to look at these photos.

To someone else it looks like I was reading Game of Thrones at the beach during the day, and snuggling my kitty in my comfy bed at night. But I know better than that.

I was extremely depressed. My close friends knew it and they kept telling me that I should talk to someone, I should see a doctor and get help trying to take care of it. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to be normal and okay and I wanted to be able to figure it out myself, on my own, like everything else in my life. I wanted to feel in control.

I was trying so hard, but the longer I waited to see someone the worse it got, and the more out of control things became. I never ended up seeing a doctor. Instead I wound up pregnant, which was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, even if I didn’t realize it then.

Last summer was a scary time for me. It was dark and exhausting. I was drowning but I wanted to be the one to pull myself to safety, not realizing that sometimes you can’t do it- you need help. I can look back at the photos from my Instagram feed during that time and know exactly what I was going through. I can remember exactly how I felt and the pain that I was in like it was yesterday.

But I haven’t felt like that in several months (the first few months of my pregnancy were really terrible, as bad as the summer was, because we were in such a pickle and just couldn’t grasp what was happening, but we finally did and since then everything turned around). I’m so thankful for that. It was like becoming pregnant gave me a totally different perspective on life, and gave me the strength I needed to pull my head out of the water I was drowning in.

Friends of mine have told me that they haven’t seen me this happy in a really long time, maybe since high school. I know that every day I wake up feeling okay is a good day, and I rarely have bad days anymore. I’m glad I kept going, and got to see things turn around in my life. I’m not saying everyone who feels depressed should get pregnant, but you should definitely keep going, because some way, some how what you need WILL find you. If you’re struggling, just keep going. Everything I went through was worth it.

Here’s why: It might be a strange thing to say, but I’m so grateful for that hard time I went through, because it really helps me appreciate how amazing my life is turning out to be now. I don’t feel sad every day anymore. I don’t feel like sleeping every second because I don’t know how to deal with the next several hours. I don’t hate where I’m at and what I’m doing. I’m not so distracted by how much I’m hurting that I can’t notice things like daisies in a field. I don’t feel like I have to pretend to smile, I just do it- without thinking.

Maybe that’s what I’m most grateful for. The chance to finally smile, and feel like things are exactly right.

The more I think about it, even when I’m grumpy in a field and the dog is pulling me through the mud and I’m panting and annoyed, I realize that things are still hard, there are still struggles in my life and times when things don’t go according to plan. Things are not perfect or easy by any means, and once this baby is born things will only get harder, but I’m still grateful. No matter how hard it is, I am grateful and I’m genuinely happy. And that’s how I know I’m better; that’s how I know things are exactly like they should be right now.

Everyone deserves this feeling. So if you’re in a tough place, just keep going. What you need will find you. It found me.

oh honey

Nick didn’t know that I called in to work today, so when he came home around 11:30 for his lunch break he was a little shocked to find me at home making eggs, sausage and fruit salad.

I heard the door open at the bottom of the stairs so I turned John Mayer down a couple clicks and walked over to the stairs. Nick took his coat off and handed me a card that came from the vet regarding the loss of his 12 year old Belgian Shepherd, Ares. “It’s a really nice card,” he said.

I opened it and read a few of the notes inside. “That is a really nice card,” I said and I set it down on the counter. He hugged me. Noticing I was in a long sleeve shirt and underwear he said, “You didn’t go to work today?”

I told him I was in a lot of pain from moving the last few days and decided to take a vacation day. He kissed me and sat down at the table.

“Do you want some eggs?” I asked.

I made him a plate of waffles and strawberries and brought over the whipped cream and syrup. When the eggs and sausage were done I scooped some out of the pan onto his syrupy plate and sat down with my own next to him. “I like John Mayer,” I said as Emoji Of A Wave started playing. I took a bite of my eggs.

“I like him too. Did you put that seasoning in the eggs?”

“Yeah I think it’s really good.”

He agreed and asked me what my plans were for the day. I told him my ideas, and when he finished his brunch and swallowed a few gulps of juice he put the cup down in front of me and said I could have the rest. I told him he had some syrup on his chin and he wiped it with a napkin and asked, “did I get it?” I nodded and smiled.

“I gotta go, baby,” he said as he stood up from his chair. He set his dishes in the sink and then put his coat back on and kissed me. “I love you, thanks for lunch” he said, and then he turned to the cat and rubbed her belly while playfully telling her how ferocious she is.

He picked her up and put her on his chest, her front legs over his shoulder. He rubbed her head and gave her kisses before putting her down and saying to me again, “I love you, baby.”

“I love you, too,” I said. And then he walked down the stairs and returned to work.

I remained seated in the chair for a few minutes after he’d left, just sitting there wrapped in a blanket in my underwear with just-dried-shower-hair that I hadn’t even brushed yet, smiling like an idiot in the dining room, our messy kitchen behind me.

I didn’t care, and he didn’t care either. The longer I sat there the luckier I felt.

I thought about the last half hour, and I felt lucky that he wasn’t mad I called into work. He chose to trust that I’m doing what’s right for my body and the baby. He chose to focus on me feeling well instead of the 8 hours taken away from my paycheck this week.

I felt lucky that he looked at me the same way he would have if I were in my favorite outfit with makeup on and neat hair. Instead of teasing me about having frizzy unkept hair, no bra on, and annoying pregnancy acne, he just looked at me, not all the rest, and I feel so lucky that I can be comfortable exactly as I am in front of him. I’m not hair and makeup to him, I’m me, and he is him.

I felt lucky that he took interest in my plans for the day, and expressed gratitude for the food I made him. I felt lucky that he snuggled my cat, whom I also love so much. I felt lucky that he wasn’t stressed about the mess in the house from the rest of the stuff we moved in the past couple days and haven’t been able to put away yet.

I felt lucky that he told me how much he loved me before he went back to work. I realized that I feel lucky because I am. I’m so lucky that I get to build this life with someone who teaches me everyday to focus my attention on the important things in life, and to expend less energy on all the stuff that doesn’t matter.